Office Wear from an Office Hater
Changing careers with the change of my clothes
Please be honest. Do I look like the type of person who works a 9-5 in a windowless cubicle, pushing digital paperwork, memorizing federal regulations, and endlessly “circling back”? Actually, maybe don’t be honest unless the answer is a resounding no, my brain couldn’t handle a yes. Clearly, I am not a fan of my job, and have been hunting for a more fulfilling career path seemingly ever since I started.
My preferred medium for rebelling against corporate America isn’t necessarily monetizing my hobbies until I have enough side income to quit (or is it, dear subscribers?). Instead, it’s what I wear to work. After all, they say to dress for the job you want, not the one you have, right? So here’s a sampling of professions I can at least try to look the part for.
Full-time LES Loafer
The mock folded-waistband is my sure-fire way to announce how DIFFERENT I am from the other commuters in Midtown. It’s a way to let them know I spend time DOWNTOWN, that one time I MET Paloma Elsesser, that I take PHOTOS at FASHION WEEK, and I LOVE CLANDESTINO’S. It’s a testament to either my delusion or the disconnect of mid-career professionals given how profoundly unimpressive this outfit is - or maybe that’s just the power of the trousers.
Professional Instagrammer
Something about a shapeless dress, a somewhat chunky sneaker, and a beaded necklace simply screams Instagram fluency, as opposed to corporate jargon. All I could possibly do in this outfit is prepare photo dumps of disposable camera snaps and create captions about the latest -core. Wait - is this a budding social media management career in the works??
Acoustic Guitar Busker
No I can’t play guitar - why is that relevant? Isn’t this combination of grunge-influenced, oversized clothing and nineties florals enough to convince you to drop five bucks in the case on your way to the Q train? Seriously, just wait till you hear my version of Stronger.
Sally Draper If She Made It To the Model UN
Okay, fine, it’s just a short babydoll dress and knee boots, but this vaguely seventies silhouette always makes me think of Sally Draper. Maybe if she and her friend knew more about Manila and less about Mitchell the neighbor, Sally would’ve become Secretary General and shown up to foster world peace, in this outfit no less. Besides, gleefully flaunting my lower upper thighs is just another way to provoke HR, my main reason for coming into the office as it is.
Mob Boss Heir
In my humble opinion, if I lit a cigar in this ‘fit, I would immediately be thrown into the world of the Sopranos. Or maybe thrown into a trunk for my disrespect of La Cosa Nostra. Either option is better than ever seeing an Excel report again.
Bushwick Lost Boy
Dickies, the uniform of those of us who wish to be perceived as workers, while not actually working at all. I’ve channeled my evident Peter Pan syndrome with the addition of this striped top, and half-heartedly maintained the illusion of adulthood with my beloved vintage pointed boots.
So dear reader, which profession appears to be my calling? Or should I step away from my closet and call a career coach? You tell me.
coincidentally, these are the only jobs i'll be saving/applying for on my linkedin. laughed audibly this whole article and will be style jacking your acoustic guitar busker look come fall.
I’m tagging myself as those amazing patchwork boots and now realizing how I have a gap of trousers in my closet that needs to be filled. The 9-5 may not deserve your creativity and sartorial choices, but I guess they’ll just have to be inspired for now 🌈